I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
