My hand turned me down
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
