It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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