If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
