Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
