Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
