I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
