I just threw up on my dentist
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
