Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
