The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
