I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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