Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
