we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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