I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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