my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
