I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
