sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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