my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine