maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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