dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
