I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
