youre lurking in front of me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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