goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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