i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
