You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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