I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
