fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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