Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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