I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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