1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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