I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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