if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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