I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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