the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
