just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
