Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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