I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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