Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
