we're chasing vodka with high fives
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
