I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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