Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
