I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
