I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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