did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
