dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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