Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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