I think im going to throw up on grandma
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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