I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
