dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
