I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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