He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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