How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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