it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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