I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Someone signed my nipple.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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