My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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