If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize