Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
