she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
