2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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